FEMINISM, MARRIAGE AND THE CHANGING FAMILY IN KASHMIR
Kashmir’s Uneasy Passage Between Tradition and Modernity
Dr. Fiaz Maqbool Fazili
Across Kashmiri homes, gatherings and social media, one question has become harder to avoid: what is happening to marriage?
Late marriages, difficult matchmaking, fragile unions, grey divorce, extravagant weddings and arguments over women’s empowerment are not separate crises. They are signs of one larger transition: Kashmir is moving uneasily between tradition and modernity, with marriage at the centre.
My position is clear: women’s dignity, education, safety, economic participation and intellectual freedom are non-negotiable. But equality need not mean hostility, independence need not mean loneliness, and concern for family need not oppose empowerment. The real question is what kind of society we are building for women, men, children and families.
Women’s Empowerment Without Apology
Women must be educated, safe, healthy, economically included, legally protected and free to develop their abilities. No woman should be trapped in abuse, denied education, treated as a burden or forced to endure humiliation for appearances.
Women’s empowerment is not the problem. The problem is that families, institutions, laws and emotional habits have not adapted fast enough to education, work, urbanisation, technology and global exposure.
The Marriage Question: More Choice, More Difficulty
Finding a life partner offers more choice than before, yet choosing well remains deeply difficult. The “right” spouse is not a checklist; it is a question of values, character, maturity and the willingness to grow together.
Late marriage is one of the clearest signs of change. Education takes longer, careers start later, jobs remain uncertain, housing is expensive and expectations have multiplied. Compatibility now means education, income, appearance, family background, religious outlook, lifestyle, ambition and emotional fit. Choice has expanded, but satisfaction has not necessarily followed.
Endless choice often produces comparison, hesitation and fear of regret. Many young people still want companionship and family, but they seek a perfection no human being can provide.
The Brain Was Not Designed for Instagram.
Human beings evolved in small communities; our brains were not built to compare ordinary life with thousands of edited lives every day. Social media displays perfect weddings, spouses, homes and relationships. Comparison breeds dissatisfaction, and no ordinary partner can compete with an algorithmic fantasy.
A Marriage Is More Than a Wedding Date and a Day in Life.
A wedding is an event; marriage is a long-term relationship requiring preparation, patience and care. Yet premarital counselling remains rare, and many conflicts begin with poor communication, unrealistic expectations and little understanding of marriage itself.
Families prepare obsessively for clothes, jewellery, menus, venues and photographs, but rarely for conflict, money, careers, in-laws, children, illness, caregiving and ageing.
At the very moment marriage has become harder to sustain, weddings have become more elaborate. The blunt question is whether we are preparing young people for a wedding—or for a marriage. If marriage is to succeed, both partners must learn to leave ego at the door and enter with humility, respect and a willingness to listen.
Divorce: Neither Glorified nor Stigmatised.
We must be honest about divorce. Some marriages are abusive, violent, cruel or psychologically destructive; no one should remain in danger to protect appearances.
Grey divorce is revealing. Some people finally leave unhappy relationships; others discover, after their children grow up, that parenting was their only common project. Decades of emotional distance can become impossible to ignore.
Kashmir Between Tradition and Transition.
Kashmir is changing on several fronts at once: education has expanded, women are more visible in professional life, young people are globally connected, economic uncertainty persists, and social media has carried global comparison into local homes.
Older expectations, however, remain. A professional woman may still be expected to perform every traditional role; a career-minded man may still be expected to carry the entire financial burden; parents may want independent children and unquestioning obedience at the same time.
The daughter must never again be viewed as a burden to be transferred from one household to another. Her education, consent, safety, career and happiness matter.
Empowerment must also protect a woman’s freedom to choose different forms of fulfilment: career, marriage, motherhood, or all of them. Replacing one prescription with another is not liberation.
What Is Happening to Men?
A serious discussion of equality must also examine men. Their traditional roles as provider, protector and unquestioned authority are changing as women earn, lead and decide independently. This is progress, but it also requires men to adapt.
A man whose identity depends on superiority over women will struggle in an equal partnership. Yet teaching boys that masculinity itself is toxic creates another confusion. We need mature men: not dominating, not defeated.
That means men capable of partnership, emotional honesty, domestic responsibility and respect for a woman’s independence without feeling diminished.
Where Do We Go from Here?
Law is essential because families involve power, rights and vulnerability. Women and children need protection; maintenance, custody, property rights and protection from violence matter. But law can regulate conduct; it cannot manufacture affection.
We therefore need legal justice alongside counselling, emotional literacy and social education. Premarital preparation should become as normal as professional preparation, with couples discussing values, money, careers, children, in-laws, household duties, personal space, conflict, illness and ageing.
The future should belong neither to those who want to take women backwards nor to those who dismiss marriage and family as outdated. We need a society where women are safe and respected; men are not threatened by equality; marriage rests on consent and companionship; divorce is available when necessary but not trivialised; weddings do not bankrupt families; and young people seek compatible partners without impossible expectations.
The visible symptoms—late marriages, fragile unions, grey divorces, lavish weddings, loneliness and difficult matchmaking—point to a larger story: women claiming dignity, men redefining themselves, families caught between inherited expectations and modern realities, and a generation with more choice but greater difficulty choosing.
The question, then, is not who is to blame, but how we build relationships, families and a society worthy of the freedoms and dignity we claim to seek.
