Navigating Identity, Hierarchy, and Mental Health in the Marital Home (Sasural/Wariv)
Dr. Basit Javeed Qureshi
The transition to the sasural or wariv—the marital home—is often romanticized as the most beautiful chapter in a woman’s life. Yet, for many, it begins with a heavy and confusing silence. It is not a simple move; it is an identity demolished and rebuilt. The moment a girl steps across that threshold, she is not merely gaining a husband—she is inheriting a new universe of unspoken rules, rigid hierarchies, and relentless scrutiny.
Imagine starting a new job where your performance is constantly under review, touching every part of your existence—from the shape of your roti to the pitch of your voice. This becomes the new reality: an endless performance where the self begins to vanish under the weight of invisible expectations. From day one, you are measured against impossible standards—obey, adjust, produce. Be the perfect cook, the tireless cleaner, the respectful daughter-in-law, and the future mother of the family’s children.
This frantic effort to please and prove your worth becomes a psychological treadmill—exhausting and unending. The invisibility of effort compounds the pain. Many women pour their entire day into the home—cooking, cleaning, caregiving—an overwhelming, unappreciated marathon. Yet, if one task is delayed or a minor mistake occurs, the entire day’s labor is dismissed. “What do you do all day?”—a wounding question that erases their contribution—fosters a crushing sense of invisibility and undervaluation. This chronic stress is not mere irritability; it festers into anxiety and deep emotional exhaustion.
Gradually, identity begins to fray. The comfortable self—the daughter, the student, the free spirit—starts to dissolve. Personal needs and desires are placed on a distant shelf, replaced by a singular focus on others’ expectations. This leads to profound identity confusion and the corrosive belief that one’s happiness is secondary—a fast track to diminished self-worth and depression.
Isolation compounds the struggle. Emotional support systems—parents, friends, and familiar spaces—are now miles away. Too much contact can even be perceived as disloyalty. You find yourself isolated in a house full of people. In joint families, the structure is rigid—the mother-in-law often holds authority while the daughter-in-law occupies a subordinate position. Conflicts over trivial matters—a cooking method, a spending choice—turn into battles for control, relentlessly chipping away at mental health and leaving you feeling helpless and inadequate.
The silence of suppression soon takes root. You learn to swallow your opinions and mask your emotional pain. Fear of criticism or restriction forces emotional withdrawal. Constant monitoring, criticism disguised as advice, and a lack of warmth become a psychological vise, pushing many women towards resignation or breakdown.
Some women face a dual burden—even when they work outside the home and contribute financially, domestic responsibilities rarely lessen. They are expected to be both the perfect professional and the perfect homemaker, a punishing role conflict that breeds chronic burnout, anxiety, and distress. Often, the support from the spouse remains inadequate.
A supportive husband and inclusive in-laws can make a world of difference—offering a soft landing during a difficult transition. Yet, emotional openness and vulnerability are too often viewed as weakness. As a result, pain remains unaddressed, and depression and anxiety become silent companions—left untreated due to social stigma surrounding mental health. Many internalize their suffering, neglect self-care, and become dependent on family validation—a dynamic that can spiral into resentment and possessiveness.
Tragically, for a devastating number of women, the marital home is not merely controlling—it is abusive. Emotional, physical, or sexual violence thrives under the cover of “family honor.” Fear of stigma, family pressure, and the dread of losing marital status make reporting nearly impossible. The psychological scars run deep—trauma, acute stress, and a life lived in quiet fear.
The emotional landscape of the sasural is vast and multilayered, rooted in cultural norms and patriarchal expectations. For a woman’s mental health to flourish, her experiences must be seen, validated, and taken seriously. Economic independence, access to quality mental healthcare, and systemic reform in family structures are essential.
Only when the cultural and structural foundations of this psychological crucible are acknowledged and reformed can the marital home become what it is meant to be—a space of partnership, safety, and genuine belonging, rather than a crucible of distress.
